Reevaluating an attitude

Dear Blog,

So we haven't talked since May.... Sorry about that, but as you know, I've been at work, so I hope you forgive me.

I feel like after four years, I would have learned something about FB... Looking up some people puts me in a mood. And I just have to avoid seeing them on my FB or looking them up. Well, sometimes I end up looking them up for whatever reason... And then I get in a mood. I hate that feeling.

It's worse right now because I want to see Brody (Wattson, not Slater) and I am being good and patient while Dan is in town. I hate this reevaluation thing, but what can you do? Also I'm just mad at myself for looking up Brody Slater in the first place. I just don't want to know and it's all "babe this" and "babe that." I'm a little jealous of what he has going on right now, actually.... But I would never ever admit that to him, especially when I'm still mad at him for everything that went down this spring...

It sucks to be the only single one. Two of my friends are engaged now. Two others from that group have serious boyfriends.And another with a serious boyfriend... And another, really it's just goes on like this.

And then there's me.

I just have no luck.

Right now I really like this lumberjack (you know, Brody), but I don't know what's going on with that right now, so it's very confusing... I already said I wasn't into this whole reevaluation thing, so just accept it as fact.

Anyway, I'm going crazy right now because I'm not up to anything exciting, impressive, or at all really. And I absolutely hate it. I need to get busy again for my sanity. I've started looking for jobs. It doesn't really matter as long as I'm getting paid, so... I might go against Brody's good charity to me, after all.

If only it was June, June was so exciting! I was leaving for work and my lumberjack was still bonkers over me! But that was June and I have to keep positive. Things will work out in the end; they always do.

So I need to get busy and stay positive. That's pretty much it.

And hopefully things will work out with Brody.

Holding on when we should let go...

So, in the past few days, I've been wondering something.... Well, half wondering, half thinking about it....

See, any time I wonder something about someone else, I turn it in on myself. You know, even when the aforementioned situation tends to involve me anyway. Here goes...

So remember my post yesterday when I glossed over a conversation Brody (see: recent ex-boyfriend/now friend) and I had recently? Well, I've been thinking deeply on the ramifications of said conversation.

Especially yesterday when a wine-induced Brody texted me to try and continue our previous conversation.

If I can teach everyone here one thing in the whole world, maybe even more than anything Greek related, it's this: DO NOT DRUNK TEXT. That's right, it deserved all caps and italics. Seriously, spare yourself and the people you're texting. Everyone will be better off.

Anyway, our conversation was pretty much normal (pretty much normal, hahaha.... please) until his best friend, Trevor, started texting me as well. It was mostly normal at first, to the effect of "Bring us dessert for our Riesling." And I totally understand, Riesling is pretty much a dessert wine, after all. But I digress... My conversation with Trevor ventured into the realm of weird when he stated, "I've seen Brody most happy recently with you."

Couple this with Brody's statement that "Cause... On some basic level, you are mine and belong to me..." and you get my concern (albeit with a laugh, of course).

So here is what I've been wondering: is it possible for someone to end things and still want to be with you?

I know, it's kind of a nonsensical question. Clearly someone who initiated the breakup would not still want to be with the person they broke up with... That does not make sense... And, I mean, Brody has stated explicitly that he does not think we can work, mainly because he does not think he loves me... Which is so weird to me that words can't describe it.... Well, they can, but it goes into rambling.

I just find it really odd that someone could end a relationship over lack of love, and yet, still be holding on to that other person. You do too, right? Seriously, if someone here doesn't, please let me know and please explain to me how that works because I am at a loss.

An utter loss.

And then there are the added ramifications of if he apparently does still want to hold on to me, what for? As a backup? I am no one's backup. And further more, really it's just nonsensical.

My google research points me to the idea that maybe Brody wants me back... But that's not very Brody-like, so I don't really know.

And then all the while, I sit here and think, well it makes sense. Once things are ended, you pick up and move on.

But then I've been thinking about how I'm still holding on to Evan two years later... So who am I to talk? But then again, that was an Evan-initiated mutual breakup, so what do I know? Yeah, it still probably falls under holding on when we should let go... But I guess sometimes, letting go is hard...

Boys are complicated...

How people impact our lives...

From the title, you would think this would be an uplifting sort of post. It may in some sense of the word. In an entirely different sense, it probably won't.

There was something I noted briefly a post or two ago. That was, this blog is interesting in the fact that I am recounting my experience through a retrospective lens. A few years ago, the culmination of this blog may have been more fast-paced or interesting. As I recounted my day to day exploits, you all may have gotten to enjoy my life as it unfolded. How I retrieved things from my bucket list, like falling in love, and crossing it out only to find it may have been a love story, but it was only a short one. And then you would have watched me put it back on my bucket list again. Falling in love isn't always a science, unfortunately.

But anyway, this is kind of on that subject. How people impact our lives. Yesterday, I was having a conversation with an ex-boyfriend/now friend about how we view other people. I know, it sounds really deep... But not quite... It was more like this:

Deidree (that's me, if you've forgotten): Okay, so I've been wondering... How does it make sense for you to not want me to be with anyone else...
Brody: Just because I'm complicated...
Deidree: Well, yeah...
Brody: And I'm jealous... And I care about you, even if I don't want to be in a relationship.
Deidree: You do realize that makes no sense, right?
Brody: Yes. I know it doesn't make sense, except that it makes sense to me.
Deidree: Okay, but jealous of what exactly? And doesn't caring about me mean that you want me to be happy? (I laughed at this point.)
Brody: Jealousy is obvious....
Deidree: Obvious how?
Brody: I mean, you'd feel slightly jealous if I said I was dating someone that I met while we were dating... I think it's common and human nature to be jealous.
Deidree: Like I said, I didn't act on it while we were together...
Brody: And yes, I want you to be happy, but a part of me will always think that you won't be happy except with me...
Deidree: Oh, I can only be happy with you, huh? Well, rest assured, you've won this round at least.
Brody: I know, sounds bad.
Deidree: So you won't be jealous of the next guy then?
Brody: No, no... I will probably not like the next guy either.
Deidree: Why?
Brody: Because on some basic level, you are mine and belong to me... (He laughed at this point.)
Deidree: (And so did I.) How does that work exactly?
Brody: Because you do... This would be a lot more simple if you'd just accept that. (And he gave me his stupid grin at this point.)

And this is the point when anyone with a bit of sense, would burst out in a bit of outrage and conduct many google searches on this subject. I know I certainly did/am still doing it... at least a little bit.

My initial question was accompanied by a laugh, but now I'm curious. Seriously, how exactly does that work? I don't even know. Seriously, if anyone has a guess, please let me know.

Thankfully, this isn't complicated by me still pining for him. Sure, I also still care about him, because I'm a blue. It's what I do. [As a note: "I'm a blue" is a reference to a personality test where, based on assigning numbers to lists of words, a person is categorized as gold (authoritative), blue (emotional), green (intellectual), or orange (performance).]

There are other guys though... And by guys, I probably mean just one guy, where if he told me this, I might pine for him all over again. I've been thinking a lot about Evan lately, mostly because of the bad weather. I know, I know, what an odd thing to say...

It's because I had a conversation with him once where he said "Why does it always rain in Colorado while I'm not there?" It's a gross over-exaggeration, as most twenty-somethings tend to do in speech. But at the time, I thought the best response was the quip "Well, maybe you bring the sun back from California with you." And in my heartbroken state a few years ago, it chose to pour rain the day I moved back into the Tri Alpha house at RMU.

My point here is that, I guess in some way, various people still own us in some capacity... Even now when I'm thinking a bit too much on Evan... And, if nothing else, they own us in their memories, to say the least.

But I'm still not sure if this statement fills me with rage or sadness on Brody's behalf.... And then the resultant sadness on my end regarding Evan...

Relationships are complicated.

[And sorry this isn't as sap-free as I promised, but at least it's not Greek-related sappiness.]